advice from the wise folks of CS is needed. LONG

[Hypancistrus]

It also occurs to me that in the "straight" world, so many kids are unintended and unwanted. Having kids just happens. It seems to me that if you are gay, it is so much harder to become a parent. It has to be something that you really want and think about.
Gay people don't have "accidents".

Really very true. It requires a lot of thought and effort, no matter which way you go. I've been reading a book on LGBT parenting. I just read the section on legal snares last week. In it, there were frank discussions of things LGBT people must consider-- including what will happen to the kids and the relationship between adults and kids if the parents split up. You have to talk about that-- essentially consider the worst possible scenario-- before you have kids. You have to take steps to ensure that the kids are protected.

There was a story in there from a lady in Virginia. She and her GF used a pair of gay male friends to have their baby and when they split up years later, the man, who had agreed initially not to be a "parent" to the child, went to court and asserted his parental rights. The biological female partner did not block this... allowing her ex to be shammed by the courts. The lady never did get custody or visitation rights for the children she had raised as her own for years....

There are tons of stories in there about this. Tara and I don't want to think the worst of each other. We don't ever intend for this relationship to be anything less than forever. But there is no guarantee in life... and even if we never split, if something were to happen to either one of us, or both of us, in Virginia there would be no legal recourse for me or my family in obtaining custody or visitation of the child. That scares the crap out of me.

I don't want a huge piece of land if it means my family will be less secure.

 

[starsevol]

My 2 cents, I think a kid could do a helluva lot worse parentwise than you two!
Just do your research and find the very best place you can be (even if it is blue)

 

[kathylove]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to starsevol again.

Post #20 - my thoughts EXACTLY! I always wished it was more difficult to have children. Way too many "accidents" out there, and the kids often suffer because of it. It seems WAY too big of a commitment to leave to chance. That is why we never had any - I thought it too important to do without being ready - and we were never ready!

Kids who are REALLY, REALLY wanted seem like they are more likely to have a better chance at a great life than those who just "sort of happened" - whether their parents are rich, poor, gay, or whatever else.

 

[Naagas]

As a fellow lesbian, my advice is to NOT have kids unless you can legally make the kid belong to both of you. I wouldn't. FAR too many horror stories out there.
I won't have kids while I live in Utah. If I died, the kids would go into foster care. That is just unconscionable to me.

So, IMHO, as long as you live where you do, you can't have kids. Your parents need to understand this. It isn't fair, but it is the way of the world.

Also, as someone with major mom issues, I learned the hard way that I have to come first- NOT my mom. It is the only way I can live with no regrets.

Good luck! And, lotsa virtual hugs.